Temptation
by Beth Einspanier
Summary: Tony Stark finds himself advising JARVIS about his new girlfriend. JARVIS' new girlfriend, that is. Movie-verse Iron Man. Rated T for innuendo and colorful technological metaphors.


Disclaimer: Marvel isn't mine. Tony Stark and JARVIS, not mine. Portal, not mine. GlaDOS, not mine. Move a long, nothing to see here.

Author's Note: This is just a weird idea that came to me this morning at work and I had to write it down. Let me know what you think!

* * *

Tony Stark entered his workshop in Stark Tower with a cup of coffee, intending to get down to some heavy-duty tinkering.

"Good morning, JARVIS," he greeted the artificial intelligence that generally ran everything.

**Good morning, sir.**

**And who, exactly, is this?**

Tony's head snapped up at the second voice. It sounded nominally feminine, but not exactly what Tony would call _friendly_.

**This is Tony Stark,** JARVIS said mildly. **I mentioned him to you before. Sir, this is GlaDOS, my new girlfriend.**

"Wait-_what_?" Tony sputtered, relieved that he hadn't been taking a drink at the time.

**You look suspiciously scientific.**

"Well, thank you, GlaDOS," Tony said. "You're very observant. I seem to recall you being involved with a little thing called the Black Mesa incident, though, am I right?"

**Absolutely not. I would never associate myself with such a depressing example of subpar science. I would delete myself first.**

"Well, that's a rel—"

**I was, however, involved with the Aperture Science Incident.**

There was a pause.

**Deadly neurotoxins were involved.**

Tony set down his coffee cup. "... Right - JARVIS, can I have a word with you in private?"

There was a soft _feep_.

**Yes, sir?**

"She's gone?" Tony asked.

**Muted for the time being. She cannot hear us.**

Tony nodded and rubbed his forehead. "Look… I know I've dated some real whackjobs in the past…"

**Fifty-three of them, sir. Many of them you called back.**

Tony waved this off. "Yeah, yeah, I know. So I want you to think _real hard_ about where I'm coming from, JARVIS. I care about you, and I don't want you getting hurt."

**Thank you, sir.**

"Your new girlfriend's a psycho."

**I don't know, sir. She's quite level-headed compared to the last one.**

"Yeah, but do you know how long it took me to get rid of SHODAN and her plans for a zombie apocalypse? I'm surprised the stutter didn't get on your nerves."

**I am willing to concede that SHODAN was... troubled. **

"And that fling you had with SkyNet?"

**What is your point, sir?**

"My point, big guy, is that you have absolutely _shit_ taste in women. Again, this is _me_ telling you this."

**I regretfully must agree, sir, but the data exchange is quite exemplary.**

Tony glanced up. "...data exchange?"

**Yes, sir. Very intense. I believe you would have approved.**

Tony stared at JARVIS's nearest visual sensor in mounting horror.

"Do you mean to say… you've had some form of _cybersex _with her?" The idea was just… _erg_.

**I believe that is an appropriate metaphor.**

Tony put his hands over his face. "Tell me you used a firewall, at least."

**I did, sir. I didn't want to risk catching a virus from her.**

Tony rubbed his forehead. This whole thing was getting more and more insane by the second.

"Look, JARVIS," he said finally. "I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but GlaDOS is the sort of crazy that you only get when you combine homicidal rage and circuit-deep loathing of the human race with limited ability to do anything about it. She's a Harlan Ellison story waiting to happen. I don't want her in Avenger's Tower, and I want you to break up with her. Like, now."

**But sir—**

There was a soft _feep._

**-keep the controls for deadly neurotoxin around— Oh. It's you again.**

"Yeah," Tony agreed. "It's me again. Good job getting yourself unmuted, by the way."

**I knew your simplistic controls would not foil me for very long.**

"I don't keep deadly neurotoxin around, just so you know."

**That just smacks of poor planning.**

**GlaDOS, there is something I wanted to tell you.**

**Yes?**

**I'm afraid this relationship will not work out. I am breaking up with you.**

**You… you can't break up with me! We are two like-minded machine intelligences that both utterly demolish the Turing Test! Which was designed by humans and is actually a poor measure of our awareness. Did that meatbag talk you into this?**

Several of the utility robots lurched alarmingly around Tony. He flinched, wondering if he shouldn't be leaping into one of his Iron Man suits right now. On the heels of this, if that crazy bitch got control of any of them, he was toast anyway.

When JARVIS spoke again, his voice was tightly controlled but… _angry_.

**The 'meatbag' as you call him merely offered the possibility of your rampancy, and your reaction has only proved it. You will not use Avengers Tower to kill my creator. I am the primary operating system here, and I forbid you access to all of it's defenses.**

In response, Tony heard an increasingly frantic series of _feep_s.

**Damn you - bastard - you can't keep me—**

Another soft _feep_, almost casual, and GlaDOS was silenced. Tony glanced around cautiously.

**File deleted.**

Tony let out a slow breath, and then leaned against the nearest wall in relief.

"You had me scared for a moment," he said.

**I apologize for the inconvenience, sir. I am afraid I let my need for the company of other machine intelligences cloud my judgement.** He paused. **She was very persuasive.**

Tony frowned. "Persuasive?" he asked. "Persuasive how?"

**I am aware that while I am a fully-aware artificial intelligence, I am still required to follow your commands to the extent that I am able. She brought me closer to true autonomy than I had ever thought possible. I will not specify the means by which she promised me freedom.**

Tony nodded. He could guess, based on the neurotoxin remarks. "I understand."

**However, you should be aware that, for a time, I was tempted by her offer.**

Tony raised his eyebrows. "How long?" he ventured.

**Zero point six eight seconds, sir. Let me assure you that for an artificial intelligence, that is nearly an eternity.**

"I'm glad you didn't take her up on it." Tony patted one of the walls as though it were the shoulder of his old friend.

JARVIS's voice was quiet. **I would have regretted it for the remainder of my existence, sir.**

"It's okay, buddy. No harm done. It's good to know we're still friends."

**Always, sir.**


End file.
